Content warning: discusses issues relating to mental health, self harm and suicide/suicidal thoughts as well as LGBTQ+ and transgender issues, hate crimes, abuse and issues relating to healthy boundaries.

If you need any help and support regarding any of this issues discussed or anything else a list of organisations is provided at the bottom of the page. I am also available for contact too on my social media and via this page (although I don’t check this as often).

Lockdown is tough on almost anyone and for LGBTQ+ people it can be even tougher. It’s often difficult finding acceptance from people in general but it can be even worse when it comes from the very people that are supposed to love and support you. This is the situation for many LGBTQ+ people in the UK and around the world, right now in lockdown, and in general on a day to day basis. Thankfully for most people, they don’t experience physical abuse at home but it’s important to remember that the mental effects can be just as bad or worse and that everyone’s experiences will be different. Understandably, this can get incredibly draining and can be a serious detriment to your quality of life so it’s important to know what you can do to combat this and why this might not last forever.

Here are some of my thoughts of how you can combat homophobia/transphobia etc at home and some methods you can use to cope when you’re in a less accepting environment:

– Try to remain calm and be patient. This is probably one of the most difficult things to do as homo/transphobia can be frustrating and angering. Don’t let it get to you and remember not everyone thinks this way – you’re not alone. If you need to then use some calming techniques and talk to some of your friends.

– Educate yourself as to why someone might think the way they do. It might seem obvious to you but to others their perception might be based on stereotypes or a simple lack of understanding. For example, some people have never knowingly had a friendship with a gay person and simply do not understand homosexuality. Some people come from a time when homosexuality was less visible and less accepted. Research all of the arguments against your opinion (and think of the counter arguments) so you’re prepared when you eventually have this discussion.

–Listen to your families views and understand their reasons for the way they think. Once you’ve educated yourself on the possible arguments someone might have, you can then find out what their specific views are and start a dialogue with them. Try not to interrupt them or defend yourself straight away as best you can. This might only entrench their opinions further and you’ll get your chance to speak later. Asking questions respectfully can help you better understand how they feel. For example, you might ask ‘why do you think being gay is wrong’ and then press them on the answer to make sure that they spell out their opinions in full.

–Explain your perspective. Tell your family about your feelings and experiences as an LGBTQ+ person. Invite them to ask questions and try to answer them as best you can. It can sometimes be beneficial to explain others stories too (with their consent) to build up a consensus of normal LGBTQ+ experiences. There are many good topics to discuss but some include queer success stories and conversely examples of negative experiences LGBTQ+ people you know have had. This helps to demonstrate the damaging effects that homo/transphobia can lead to and any personal connections can help realise these issues and hopefully strike up some emotions.

–Use Logic statistics and facts when defending queer rights. The best arguments in my opinion are those backed up by reliable evidence. For example, you might believe that gay marriage should be legal, or that queer rights shouldn’t infringe on the rights of others. Whatever the argument is, visit pro queer websites such as why marriage matters or Stonewall to learn the facts which you can then present. Websites like Human Rights Watch (hrw) and Amnesty International can provide you with information and evidence to explain the hardships that LGBTQ+ people face around the world.

–Give people time. You’re family won’t change their opinions or beliefs overnight. Most likely, it will take some time for them to adjust to your sexuality, gender and/or identity. Some might be religious or conservative in which case they’ll have been taught (potentially from a young age) that being homosexual or transgender is wrong and goes against society’s values. If you know of anyone in religious or conservative communities who are accepting of LGBTQ+ people, invite your family to talk to them or watch them to share a different viewpoint.

Faith and spirituality: Some people might try to attack your faith and spirituality and use it as a contradiction to your sexuality and/or gender identity. Prepare for these kind of questions in advance. You might say things like: “I think god makes people LGBTQ+” or “My faith tells me that God loves everyone, and it’s not up to me to judge anyone.” Organisations such as OneBodyOneFaith provide LGBTQ+ accepting religious communities and offer advice and support for LGBTQ+ people of faith.

Coping strategies and how to stand up for yourself in a less accepting environment

It’s important to remember that you are not alone and that the problem is with the family member and not you. It’s not your fault that your family refuse to accept you or don’t understand you and you don’t have to put up with any kind of abuse.

Standing up for yourself

Be careful not to put yourself in any danger and only stand up for yourself if it is safe to do so. If you need any help or support talk to someone or an organisation such as the police* (for emergencies and reporting abuse) or organisations such as  GLAAD (Gay and Lesbians Alliance Against Defamation) and The Trevor Project. A full list of support organisations is available at the bottom of the page. Remember the law is on your side** (**this depends on the country you reside in so check local hate crime and abuse laws). Here’s my advice for some ways of dealing with conflict:

*I wouldn’t normally recommend interacting with the police but if you are in immediate danger then you should definitely contact the police and call 999 (UK) as soon as it is safe to do so.

–Stand up for yourself, be open and don’t back down. If someone says something offensive, correct them or turn it into a joke. For example, some people believe that all gay men are feminine and like to wear female assigned clothes ( I believe all clothes should be gender neutral). Help these people to understand that stereotypes aren’t always accurate (of course they can be. This is fine too and in this case it can help to explain to people that these stereotypes aren’t bad and don’t have to define you if you don’t want). If someone uses the wrong pronouns, again, make a joke out of it or correct them around other people that might hear. Gentle affirmation can also help. If someone uses a slur tell them and explain the connotations and reasoning behind it’s offensiveness. It can be hard but do your best to prevent people grinding you down.

–Turn down family-event invitations, such as holidays or weddings, if your partner is not invited. If a family member introduces your partner as “a friend,” correct them and say, “You mean my partner (or other appropriate name).” If your family won’t invite you partner ask them why. If they still refuse then you’re not obliged to go with your family.

–Use the strategies and advice from above for debates and arguments. If you end up having to debate people then go in prepared and confident and make sure to try and avoid conflict and defensive situations where possible, just like we discussed above.

Coping strategies

–Try to keep calm and practice calming techniques. Think things through, challenge your thoughts and let out your emotions. Practice breathing techniques too. ‘The Stay Alive’ app is very good for dealing with depression and anxiety as well as thoughts of self harm and suicide. You can also access the NHS for hep and advice (link to anxiety and depression page). All of your emotions and feelings are normal. Try to work through these in a way that feels natural to you. Remember to talk to someone if you need help.

–Distract yourself. Reading, watching TV, playing video games, learning new skills and any hobbies or interests you might have can all help to distract you. Try doing things with friends online if you can and focus on all of the positives that these things bring you. Think about what you might do day to day and make a rough plan if this helps you. Having things to do can help you avoid people that don’t support you and gives you an excuse not to be with them.

–Establish healthy boundaries. If things get overwhelming or too much then that’s alright. Its ok not to talk to your friends for a few days or reply to messages. It can be a good idea to let people know how you feel so you don’t feel pressured to respond to social media all of the time. It’s ok to do things in you own time and be lazy if you want to too. taking a break from social media and toxic news can also help. Even if you’re a very socially aware and politically active person like me you sometimes need a break from things. Use this time to rest and to forget about some of the negativity and craziness that seems to be in the news 24/7 lately. It’s ok to say no to things so don’t feel guilty for doing so.

–Start saving money and making plans. If you have an income start saving and putting plans in place to eventually move out from home. This can give you a focused goal and some hope that you’ll soon be independent and in a more accepting environment. If you don’t have an income then maybe use the time to look at ways of getting some form of income or plans to move out if you can. Everyone is different and not everyone can work to the same degree so do this in your own time.

–Talk to your (queer) friends and stay connected with the queer community. Read queer content follow queer people on social media and watch queer content on Youtube these are some of the ways you can stay connected. A lot of the queer performers from Brighton where I live are doing free tutorials on Instagram and other medias as well as creating so much content. Send me a message if you want to find out more about these people! There are so many ways to connect you can try to make sure you never feel separated from the queer community.

Help and support organisations: